Are you both guilted by loved ones while also being threatened with being disowned if you come out? Add your voice in the comments.
Just because the scripture says “there’s no compulsion in religion”, it doesn’t mean that the lived experience of many born-Ahmadi Muslims is free of emotional coercion and guilt from their parents; people who often place their reputations in the Community over and above all else. Such parents aren’t the only ones to blame, however. The Jama’at perpetuates a culture that’s self-serving, all the while attempting to maintain plausible deniability by suggesting that this is all human nature; that parents are not actively instructed by the Jama’at to ask their adult children to be hypocrites. There is a difference, however, between not actively encouraging bad behavior, and failing to actively and specifically discourage it.
Do you remember the sermon by an Ahmadi Muslim Khalifa telling families not to ask their children to be hypocrites; for people in the Jama’at not to socially shame or talk negatively about people whose children decided to leave the Jama’at? Yeah, I don’t either. But I would love Jama’at leadership to actually give that sermon, and repeatedly. I would love for them to actually promote authenticity.
An environment where people felt free of guilt to disbelieve and to leave the Jama’at would see it fall apart within a generation. I’m certain Jama’at leadership knows this. That’s why creating an environment for true authenticity of this kind is not a priority for the Nizam (Jama’at leadership). Nor would it rank as one of their goals.
To be sure, Ahmadi Muslim parents don’t ‘honour’ kill their daughters. It is not unheard of, however, for Ahmadi Muslim parents to guilt their adult children into becoming hypocrites and threatening to disown them if they don’t. It can happen when an adult child—especially a woman—wants to stop pretending to have a religious affiliation with the Ahmadiyya Muslim Jama’at, just so that she may show up in the world with open authenticity.
What follows is my conversation with a young woman who recently asked for advice from her fellow ex-Ahmadi ex-Muslims on her situation. This woman is trapped in guilt as her father has pleaded with her to pretend to be a Muslim whilst also threatening to disown her if she goes through with formally resigning from the Jama’at. Our conversation has been edited for readability.
Young Woman
My dad is in a weird phase right now when it comes to me coming out. He keeps saying I’m his blood so he can’t just disown me and is telling me to come home because he misses me, but at the same time he’s telling me to come home, being as I was before (meaning as a Muslim) etc.
I told him I’m not coming back, but he firmly believes he’s going to bring me back.
He said, “I don’t know what to do”.
I said, “Well, you can just accept me as I am”
To that he replied, “No I can’t”
So, he’s been really back and forth. Any advice on how to deal with that?
Me
As others have relayed, I think time will help. There are ways you can accelerate the timeline though—especially with parents in their 50s and 60s.
It tends to be a lost cause when the parents are in their 70s and beyond. The strategy is to be more calm, collected, and reasonable than your parents. Walk them through it like you are the parent.
I kind of sensed from your description, that you’ve done this, and I think it’ll bear fruit. I also suspect your Dad is a cultural Ahmadi Muslim, and not one who’s deeply wedded to the theology. Call that fact out, gently. Tell him he shouldn’t ruin real love (your family bonds) over something he doesn’t even rationally understand at the theological level, for cultural impulses he’s been programmed under.
Tell him that this is his opportunity to show the strength and courage of a man who stands by his loved ones and rejects the fear of, “what will people say!?”.
When one puts it in these terms, a middle aged parent will feel silly for even suggesting they have to disown you.
Young Woman
Thanks. I’m trying to explain this all to my parents, without sounding cold-hearted. Sometimes I have to straight up tell my Dad, “No, I am NOT coming back” because I don’t want to give my parents false hope. Yet being so direct; it makes me feel guilty.
My parents are cultural Ahmadis, yes. When I brought up things about Ahmadiyya theology, my Dad accused me of being brainwashed by anti-Ahmadi mullahs etc.
I did call him out on that. He admits that he and my Mum blindly follow what they were born into, and that that is enough for him. His family (my uncles, etc.) have had a close relationship with the Jama’at’s khulifa, and my Dad prides himself on that.
He has clearly stated that he puts this reputation over me, and that he’d rather die than be associated with me, should I decide to go through with it.
I know my parents are acting like shit for doing this, but I love them a lot. I just can’t bear to talk to them on the phone right now because of this, even though I really want to.
Me
What does the “go through with it” part you mentioned, refer to? Is that coming out publicly to family/community so you’re not leading a double life?
Young Woman
Yes, I mean officially leaving. Formally resigning from the Jama’at.
Me
You can show them another Ahmadi Muslim who is public, resigned, and still has a good relationship with his religious family—me. Then ask them not to be so jahil about how they treat you for choosing not to be a munafiq (hypocrite), which their Allah really hates. Tell them they are displeasing Allah by asking you to be a munafiq.
Young Woman
I have tried it. My Dad then gives me the example of a girl who left the Jama’at in our city and how her father disowned her. That’s the example he wants to imprint in the minds of his adult children.
At this point I’ll just go with what you’re suggesting, and avoid religious debates since they go absolutely nowhere.
Me
One thing to note from evolution, not that it’s complete consolation, is that parents are programmed to seek reconciliation before their offspring. Especially when you’re living a happy life and especially if you one day have children they long to see.
Regarding religious debates, the ones I find still bear fruit in such situations is where the focus is on simple philosophy: basic human commentary on the merits of not engaging in hypocrisy.
Subtly pointing out that your parents position wanting you to be inauthentic, is well, shameful. That idea will percolate in their minds.
Young Woman
I’ll use that subtly, yeah, but I don’t want to guilt them too much as I know they already feel very guilty. Mom was crying on the phone saying how she’s failed in my upbringing (my Dad even blames her too). My Mum fears that everyone (the Jama’at, our extended family) will pin it on her.
Me
The best way to combat these social effects, from my experience, is to visit them. Be a good daughter in all respects that have nothing to do with religion. It serves as a powerful counter example and underscores that neither you nor they, have been a “failure”.
Then call out anyone in the Jama’at who guilts your parents. Call them out for wanting people to be hypocrites. They’ll go quiet; and really fast, when you turn the spotlight back on them.
When you do this, point out that they are representing the Jama’at badly by promoting hypocrisy. Most people wouldn’t want to be associated with making the Jama’at look bad.
Young Woman
That sounds reasonable, thanks so much for the advice!
There’s More
For more on the ways people who no longer believe can be trapped into appearing like they’re still Muslims, see my article enumerating 25 Reasons Why Many Muslims Haven’t Left Islam—Yet.
Are you a questioning Muslim who hasn’t left Islam? If so, which of these reasons resonate with you?