Like many others here, I grew up immersed in Ahmadiyya and Islam. I learned how to read the Quran from a young age and was proud of the fact that I had completed it in arabic as well. I remembered surahs, and facts about the life of Muhammad and Mirza Ghulam Ahmad, and I was enamored with Mirza Tahir Ahmad.
As I went into the world, and interacted with more Christians, I was proud of the way Ahmadis responded to Christianity. Reading the bible with all of it’s awful stories about rape, genocide, and incest made me appreciate Islam that much more. The book “Christianity a Journey from Facts to Fiction” really solidified my faith in Ahmadiyya for years to come. I felt strongly that this was a rational faith that used logic and reason against ridiculous superstitions.
Armed with all of this faith, I felt that there was no wavering with the rules. If i was going to call myself an Ahmadi Muslim that entailed doing everything that Islam and Ahmadiyya required. I sacrificed a lot to do that, but I did not want to be one the “hypocrites” mentioned constantly in the quran. Either I followed all of it or none of it. It was a perfect religion, after all.
Throughout the way, I would put certain questions and misgivings away. I assumed that Ahmadiyya, which was so logical against Christainity and Sunni Islam, would also have perfect answers for issues such as Aisha’s marriage, slavery in Islam, concubines, and wife beatings. There were other things that I disliked such as the emphasis on purdah and the obsession with homeopathy and conversion numbers, but I assumed those were just little issues and the overall truth of Ahmadiyya was obvious.
Then one day, uncertainty crept into my life. Ironically, this actually happened in Mecca while I was at Ummrah. That doubt first came in when I was “reenacting” the story of Hajira running between two hills. I thought that there was no way a newborn baby would be left on a hill in the desert while his mother ran back and forth between those two hills. It also made little to no sense that she would even need to run back and forth constantly.
Suddenly, while I was running between those two hills I thought of Jonah, and how ridiculous that story always sounded. And then I thought about Abraham, about how he is revered for trying to kill his son. I started thinking about all of those stories that never made sense while I was running back and forth like that. And then, something far more life changing for me happened. I went into a Saudi bookstore and discovered all of these hadiths that we were never taught.
I learned about the hadith that said that there should be no Christians or Jews in Arabia, I saw hadith after hadith about killing polytheists, I saw a hadith saying that no nation can succeed with a woman in power, and I saw hadiths of Muhammad telling his soldiers to take concubines.
At the end of Umrah, I started to realize that Ahmadis were given an extremely limited picture of Muhammad.
I came back still hoping that those hadiths were fake, poor translations etc. So of course, I decided to put it all in the backburner until I could spend some time to read the Jamaat literature on these subjects. I was sure there would be some logical explanation for all of these things. But I remember the exact moment that door of disbelief swung open widely for me.
I had been studying and praying for an exam all night and I even had a dream that I would pass. And I remember sitting there going over some notes before the test when I overhead this girl in class say: “This test is going to be awful. I even prayed to god, and I don’t even believe in god.” I remember smugly thinking: “ha! god will punish someone that mocks him like that and will reward me since I studied and prayed sincerely all night and I even had a good dream about it”.
And then I failed that test and that girl passed. And it all sort of hit me, all my doubt, all my uncertainty. What was the point of praying for something so hard when someone who literally mocks god can pass just as well? I decided before I went any further with Islam and with God that I needed to finally sit down and answer those questions that bothered me. It was finally time to start digging and find out what the Ahmadi response was to those doubts.
What I discovered, really startled me. First, that hadith that says no nation can succeed with a women in power is actually in a Jamaat pamphlet about women in Islam as well. Then I started to see justification after justification for concubines in jamaat literature. I saw justifications for wife beatings and I heard the fourth khalifa excuse this practice on askislam.com. Worse, I turned to many of the same leaders that had given me great explanations against Christianity but found their responses to these issues were extremely illogical and unsatisfactory.
I began to think that if you knew rules were unethical but you still followed them, wouldn’t that make you unethical as well? And I thought to myself that there was Saudi Arabia, so obsessed with following Islam perfectly and so backwards still. But look at Scandanavian countries, which are among the most free, prosperous and successful despite completely rejecting religion and god. There was that girl in class that passed the test despite mocking god. Clearly, Islam itself was too highly flawed and immoral for me to follow, but quite quickly, I began to realize that god was unnecessary as well.
It took a lot of heartache to finally come to the conclusion that there was no one listening to my prayers. I felt betrayed by family, by the jamaat, by Muhammad. I felt that I should have been told the truth when I was younger because, let’s be honest, being a good Ahmadi is hard. I still wish that I had better resources around me to help guide me through the isolation and pain.
All I saw for years were immature gossip sites against the jamaat or ex-Muslim wingnuts like Ayaan Hirsi. I wish I had someone that was like me because losing god involved a painstaking amount of grief. I had been talking to Him and loved Him all my life.
I wish I had some kind support network but eventually, I got through it. And now, looking back, I can honestly say that once I passed through that process, I have been happier and more fulfilled than ever before.